i really miss my photography class. i just want to lock myself in the silence and darkness of the darkroom for hours until i make the perfect print. i miss the smell of the chemicals and the sound of the enlargers and the dim red glow of the safe lights. :(
more than that, though, i just want to take pictures. i haven't really been anywhere lately so i haven't thought to bring my camera with me. i want to wander around downtown all day but i don't know anyone who would go with me and i don't think my parents would like it much if i went by myself.
i also want to write more, but i just haven't been in the mood for it recently. a week or so ago, i managed to crank out a poem which i actually really like, which is rare, but aside from that, nothing. reading about writers like e.e. cummings and ernest hemingway and the like are making me want to write so badly, but i have next to nothing to write about. my life is dull. i'm not in a beautiful city surrounded by other creative minds, i'm stuck in a suburb surrounded by students at community college that i barely know. why wasn't i born into the lost generation :/
on the bright side of things, there will be some excitement soon: i have tickets to see beirut on the 26th! with my best pal grace, nonetheless. they are my favorite band (tied with anberlin because no one will ever beat them) and i missed them at lolla, so i'm really excited to see them :) it should be great!
anyway, i'll get back to wonderfalls (GREAT SHOW) now and leave you with my song rec of the day, which i am currently obsessed with:
i really need to talk about how vacation was in detail, but for now i just have one thing to say
I MAY OR MAY NOT BE GETTING HIRED AT BARNES & NOBLE
HGJKFDLGJFKDLHUTJDKLS
i turned in an application about a week ago and they called me two days later to schedule an interview! it went well, and now i have a second interview with who i believe is one of the higher-up managers? and if all goes well (crossing fingers) i'll start training after that!!
i'm so thrilled, guys, and i don't even have the job yet. i've wanted to work at a bookstore for as long as i can remember, and i've applied to different barnes & noble-ses two times before. i guess the 3rd time really is the charm!! this is quite literally my dream job, even though it isn't really a ~career. if i get this job, i will be one of, if not the, most happiest girls in the world.
also, when i went there monday for my first interview, a cute employee helped me find the interviewer ;D i hope i end up on the same schedule as him if they hire me ahahaha...
OH. also. wandered around the ol' college campus for a little bit yesterday. the library there is excellent. floor-to-ceiling windows, bookshelves almost as high, hundreds of little nooks and crannies to hide with a book/laptop/etc, omg. it's so perfect and cozy. and in the same building there is a little snack shop/cafe. this is important, haha, because i am kind of stranded at college for 3 hours between classes on tuesdays and thursdays since my mom works and has the car etc and i need a place to chill for that time. oy. but the campus is actually extremely nice! i kind of expect all community colleges to be crappy and cheap and stuff, but it is actually a really nice place. props to the architects and the janitors, hahaha.
and tomorrow i'm headed off for the beach/double-movie feature (ft. one day and FRIGHT NIGHT IUFKLEDHUJSDL) with my best bud gracie lou! SO excited. especially for fright night :'D
oh also also also. i am working back at the same company i did summer 2009 and oh man everyone there is just rad, even if they are all 30+. there is one cute guy who i thought would be a ~potential dating candidate~ but he's 7 years older than me o_____o he was starting high school when i was starting 3rd grade. that's just...creepy to think about. but he is gorgeousssss and i keep embarrassing myself in front of him ahaha. ANYWAY, the moral of this story is now i have EXTRA cashola and tia and i are returning to WWOHP in january when all the kiddies have gone back to school and it is abandoned :') CAN'T WAIT.
just wrote all this on tumblr and decided to bring it over here so y'all know a little about what's going on in my life right now.
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i feel really bad that i haven’t hung out with many of my friends this summer, especially since we’re all ~going away to college~ and stuff
today one of my best friends asked me to hang out, and i told her no, i have to pack (that wasn’t a lie though lol) and i mean she wanted to go to the pool and that is not something i enjoy doing (i like swimming and all but not in public, at least, not where people i might know may be. i don’t know why, but i feel completely comfortable on my own/in a swimsuit/etc with a bunch of total strangers around but if i’m in public and people i might know could be around, i am always on edge). and i just really didn’t want to even go and sunbathe or something, even though i haven’t seen her in about two weeks, which is a really long time for us.
the thing is, i hate having people over and i hate going out. as much as i love my friends, those two things are huge for me and definitely overpower my love for my friends. i feel like my house is too small and private, too me, and i don’t want them to come over and see something that might reveal a part of myself i don’t want them to see. and i don’t like to leave, because only just recently, this paralyzing fear that something will happen to my family while i’m not around has just overtaken me and i find myself constantly worrying about it. i’m excited to go to florida this week, but spending that much time away from home is going to be agony.
my bedtime schedule has gotten totally out-of-whack this summer—i usually go to bed around 4-5am and wake up between 11 and 2pm—and i check on my sleeping family periodically while i’m still awake. i don’t thing anything really triggered this anxiety, it just kind of kept growing and growing until it snowballed into something that i never really stop thinking about. and if i do manage to stop thinking about it, when i remember, i panic and have to make sure my family’s okay.
i’ve barely even been outside this summer, except for bike rides every other day or so, just to keep an eye on everyone and make sure they’re not in trouble. summer is my favorite season, it’s almost over, and i’ve barely enjoyed it at all.
one thing that doesn’t help is that someone “broke in” to one of our cars a few weeks ago. i say that in quotes because it is our really really old car that doesn’t really even work anymore so nobody’s driven it in almost a year, and also because my mom was cleaning it a month before the incident and left it unlocked…the thing that freaks me out about this, though, is that the night it happened, i went to bed early. i only stayed up til 2, instead of 4/5 (which is around the time my dad gets up for work, lol) and the fact that it was just that one night of all the nights has got me paranoid, thinking somebody is watching the house. the whole thing is especially freaky because i live in a cul-de-sac, and not close to the main street at all.
oh, and weird shit keeps happening in my house. things keep getting knocked over by nothing, lights turn on randomly (this might be due to all the storms?), and my dog totally freaked out one night and slept in my bed (lol) which is something she NEVER does. i don’t believe in ghosts, but i am a little spooked.
oh, speaking of storms, since when did i become terrified of them? i used to love storms, they used to lull me to sleep, and now if i wake up in the middle of a storm at night i can’t go back to sleep because i amterrified.
so basically, this is a post about how i am turning into a very nervous and anxious person and have become a hermit and barely seen any of my friends this summer even though they’re leaving in a few weeks and i won’t see many of them until christmas.
i also got a shit-ton of graduation money from relatives, and i want to put it all away into what i'd like to call the "wanderlust fund". if i manage to get a job soon, half of every paycheck will go in there as well. and when i save up enough, i think i'd like scotland to be the first place i travel to.
although i would really like to at least study abroad at university of dundee in scotland. i'm just completely enamored by it. i'm not the brightest when it comes to stuff like, just, terms for college things so i don't completely understand how their international students/study abroad program works and if i do end up studying there (which is something i would really really really like to do) i would probably be at loyola first, so they can take care of all the transfer stuff and not myself since harper is just dumb, ugh, why am i stuck at community college ;_; but anyway, yeah. it's something i would really like to do and i can only hope and pray that i get the chance to.
also fuck american drinking laws. i really just want to like, go to a pub with friends and maybe watch a football match and something, i'm not a partier and i don't want to ~get wasted~ and most likely puked on by people who i'd rather not have anything to do with...just going to a bar would be perfect for me. but nooooo, it has to be 21 in america. not even 19 like in canada...which is a really random age, if you ask me...anyway, i think that the main reason, aside from partying being the only good way to get alcohol if you're underage, that i don't drink is because i just feel guilty about breaking the law. uuuuugh. darn law.
anyway, sean biggerstaff is cute. i just watched cashback and loved it. oh, and deathly hallows...holy shit. check my tumblr for thoughts on that. ;_____;
and i'm going to FL next week. i get to spend a day at the wizarding world of harry potter and then disney world with my best friends. good deal. i'll write more when i'm back from that trip, because my life isn't really exciting enough to write about right now...
oh, one last thing. my dear friend grace and i are going to vlog, much like john and hank green, this upcoming school year when she goes away to northwestern :'( which is only like an hour away, but still. this will be our first separation...SINCE KINDERGARTEN!!!! so it's a big deal. i'm excited to try my hand out at vlogging, it's something i've always had an interest in but never really had an audience in mind, so it would've probably just been babbling...excited to see how that goes.
anyway, it's 2:30 and i want to watch doctor who. goodnight, folks.
OH OH OH ONE LAST THING!!!!!!! I MET TOM FELTON!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm still pretty pissed about being rushed when it was my turn to talk to him after waiting for 5 1/2 hours...he was very sweet and also somewhat softspoken...and very british. haha. i didn't get to say much aside from "hi" and answer his "how are you?" with "i'm very good!" the staff rushed me so when i left i said "thank you so much, it was so nice to meet you!" and he said "thank you love, cheers!" CHEERS. HOW BRITISH CAN YOU GET? i had a ton of silly/slightly creepy stuff that i wanted to say to him but didn't get the chance to since i was being shoo'd away by the damn staff...no, but it really was fantastic, aside from a terrible wait in scorching heat and random rain showers. i look pretty decent in my picture, all things considered, although i paid $25 for an OUT OF FOCUS picture! i am extremely upset about that. i pretty much abused the sharpen tool in photoshop, which is evident if you click for the big size of the photo, which i recommend not doing...hahaha. it still feels very surreal to not only have met him, but to have ~touched~ him and given him a little hug when it was my turn to meet him. I SECONDHAND HUGGED VOLDEMORT. not too many people can say that, i bet. hahaha. anyway, here's the picture! goodnight now, for real! :)
(copied & pasted straight from my deviantart journal. it seemed more appropriate for here than there since i never post serious stuff there, but i put it up anyway, haha).
welp, things are really starting to tie up around here. graduation in two weeks, prom, senior picnic and brunch...the end is so tangible now and it's just really, really weird. i know that when most people graduate high school they're either anxious to get out or super emotional and teary-eyed and cry at graduation and stuff. i'm neither and both at the same time. i'd be fine if i had another year of high school because it'd just be super weird for it to end, and so i don't want it to. i hate change. but i'm also anxious to start living my own life...which probably won't happen for another year or two, since i'm going to be going to community college and keep on living at home. not too happy about that...but the plus side i see from this is maybe i can get into a better college by spending a year or two at community college. and at least it's cheaper. honestly, i don't want much out of college, just some really good friends and a study abroad program. i don't know if i've made it too obvious here on deviantart, but i've had hardcore wanderlust for as long as i can remember and i'm so anxious to go out and explore the world.
which is something i have done absolutely none of. with my family's modest income, we haven't had money to go on vacation since i was in 7th grade, and never before that. my dad's always had trouble with the company he works for being bought out and his department/entire current company getting laid off. i can't even remember how many times that has happened. if it hadn't happened when i was a little kid, i would be living in memphis right now. so, with that being the main issue, i've only been as far south as key west, as far west as iowa, and as far east as west virginia. i've been to minnesota to the north but i've never even left the country. being cooped up in one area for so long gets tiring and i have a kind of cabin-fever to go out and see the world. it's the only thing i really want to do before i die. so...a study abroad program would be a great start. loyola university chicago, the only school i applied to this year (aside from community college) has a great study abroad program in rome, and i'm more than likely going there after community college, so hopefully i will be able to participate in that. that's all i'm really looking for out of college, honestly. i just want to get my traveling in before the real rapture comes or anything...
it feels good to talk about that stuff, to sit down and sort out my thoughts. whenever people ask me about college/post-community college plans it's something they want a quick answer to, and if i start to explain why i want to travel they seem like they don't want to hear any of it. i haven't really talked to anyone about it, not even my parents. they don't get the whole i-want-to-see-the-world-thing more than anyone else does. it's kind of annoying, because the only other people i know who'd like to travel are ones who have already got a good number of stamps on their passport. i don't even own a passport...
i just want to see all the beauty there is in the world before either it's destroyed or i'm destroyed. whichever comes first. and who knows when that will be, so the sooner the better. and no one seems to get that. i don't know how else to explain it.
i cannot stop listening to this song. i am in love with it. i wish it was more relevant to my life (and i also don't) but it's just so beautiful. haven't been so in love with a song in a long, long time.
welp, it's been a little while since i last updated. sorry about that. i've actually been hanging out with people instead of being a hermit recently, so that's nice :) last weekend was my friend stephanie's pixar-themed birthday party, which was loads of fun. we watched meet the robinsons and how to train your dragon and man, i forgot how great those movies are. i watched HTTYD with my parents again today because it was on tv.
um, doctor who was SO GREAT this week. i already sort of shipped the doctor with the tardis but COME ON IT'S CANON NOW. FOR REAL. and the actress who played idris/sexy/the tardis reminded me so much of helena bonham carter, so i, of course, really liked her. I WANT HER TO COME BACK. WRITE THAT INTO A FUTURE SCRIPT, MOFFAT. or just bring gaiman back for more episodes and let him do it~
speaking of neil gaiman, i just started his book neverwhere. i recently finished city of bones, the first in the mortal instruments series, and FUCK I JUST REMEMBERED I NEED TO DO A PROJECT BY WEDNESDAY AAAAAAAHHHHHH anywho i really liked it. i need to go get the second book so i can continue the series!
and speaking of things i am doing, i'm starting fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood. now, let me tell you a little secret. in middle school, i was a HUGE anime/manga nerd. it was pretty much the only thing i liked and i even knew a handful of japanese phrases because of it. now all i can remember is "haru wa soko ni kiteita" which means something along the lines of "spring has arrived" (lol dnangel ending theme...) ANYWHO. one of, if not my ultimate, favorite series that i ever watched was fullmetal alchemist. i never got into the manga but the series was something else entirely. i was so in love with that series. just thinking about al and ed's brotherhood makes me want to freaking cry. IT'S SO GOOD AND INTENSE AND DEEP. i swear it's like nothing you've ever seen before. so, that means you should watch it. do it for me? :'( welp, i know that a couple years ago they did a new series called FMA: brotherhood which follows the manga exactly, something i know the original anime failed to do. so i'm going to start watching it and i'm soooo freaking excited because well...
THAT'S AL. ISN'T HE GORGEOUS? AWWWWW. I LOVE AL. HE'S BY FAR MY FAVORITE CHARACTER. HE'S SO SWEET AND HE LIKES CATS AND IS NICE TO EVERYONE. WAHHHHHH AND LOOK AT HIM HE'S ALL OLD AND BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVE HIM SO MUUUUUCH. /fangirling. so yeah, i'm pumped to see my lovely elrics again :')
and now for the prom woes. yeah, i got some troubles. so, originally i didn't really want to go to prom because it's a dance and i don't enjoy dancing, and it's expensive and i am cheap as hell, and i am extremely picky with dresses and i didn't want to go through the trouble of finding one. BUT i accidentally stumbled upon this gorgeous vintage 50's dress with a brown-tan-cream hawaiian print and full skirt and halter top and oh my god it is so gorgeous and i want it so bad and i love dressing up so that's the start of my dilemma. i really want to dress up and wear that damn dress. the second part is that last night was a neighboring school's prom and i'm facebook stalking all the photos and my god everyone looks so happy and fancy and it seems like such a good time. so the obvious solution is to just get the dress and go to prom, right? no, not so easy. everyone in my would-be prom group has dates. everyone. normally i wouldn't mind being one of the few people going stag, because i could have a good time with those other girls, right? well, not this time. because i'd be the only one. and i don't want to be lonely; i'm lonely enough as is with all my friends being in relationships right now and me third wheel'ing it up. i just don't want to pay a ton of money for this dress and take the time to look good and pay another load of money to sit around and feel bad for myself.
i would normally just ask a guy friend to go with me as friends because, believe it or not, at one point in my life i had a TON of guy friends. not so much anymore...most of us have grown apart and the remaining few are gay, taken, or still not close enough to me that it wouldn't be weird to go as pals. and none of those guy friends have any buddies who could help out. so i'm really in a rut right now. i don't know what to do and i would recruit some other single ladies into the group so i wouldn't be alone but our group is big enough as is. i think there's like 11 couples in it already and i don't want to add more trouble to it.
so yup, those are my prom woes. i will probably be complaining about them on twitter until either i a) figure something out or b) prom is over and i haven't gone and am sitting around complaining about how i know i will regret this for the rest of my life but there was just nothing i could do and blah blah blah. wah wah wah. CALLING ALL HIGH SCHOOL BOYS IN THE CHICAGOLAND AREA WHO ARE SINGLE. GO TO PROM WITH MEEEEEE.
okay i'm done being whiny and sad and lonely. at least on here.
every day for the past two weeks, i've woken up with a word in my head. one single word.
scotland.
i don't know why. it's odd. is it supposed to mean something? have i been dreaming about scotland? if i have, i can't remember. i know i've dreamt of paris once recently, where i was sent a child's drawing of god from the heavens. it was scary.
so, aside from the glory that was water for elephants: the movie adaptation, life as been as normal--or however normal it gets for me, anyway--as ever. i also saw insidious this weekend, which was TERRIFYING (says someone who rarely gets scared of scary films. that and dead silence, i think, are the scariest scary movies i've seen). today i went to church and then, since we had nothing better to do, went to gamestop and petco with my neighbors/sisters gina and alaina, and had a great time talkin' it up with someone named judah who had dreads over xbox live.
i have also finished a book since i talked about wanting to read more and am almost done with a second one! i'll finish it tonight or tomorrow at the latest, for sure. i also have to read 1984 for sociology, which is a book that i've been meaning to read since maybe last summer, so i'm glad i finally had an excuse to buy it and add to the mounds of unread books lying all over my room!
i've also been listening to a TON of beirut lately, because, although i have a HARDCORE case of wanderlust, i haven't been anywhere and am much too broke to even plan on going anywhere. and his music takes me to a different place, a different time period, even. i dedicated one of my 30/30 poems to him. i'm still working on that last line of it, though. meh. 30/30 was killing me a couple days back but i'm doing better now. i also have a short story idea i want to work on once i get my laptop back to functioning normally (it kind of killed itself last week before the copa del ray final, OY VEY! i have to reinstall windows and i might lost all my files. and it will be a BITCH to gather all those pictues and mp3s all over again. THAT WAS MONTHS OF HARD WORK!! MONTHS!!)
also, i've been looking at cheap universities in the city recently because i am still uneasy about the idea of spending another year or two here in the 'burbs for community college. I JUST WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE, EVEN IF THAT SOMEWHERE IS A HALF-HOUR TRAIN RIDE FROM HERE!
oh, and may i post the start of a summer to-do list? well, i'm going to.
SUMMER TO-DO LIST 2K11 - write as much as i possibly can - go somewhere new and hopefully far away, or better yet a different country, or better still, europe - read at least a book a week - write/shoot/direct a short film - visit natalie in georgia? - hang out with my high school friends as much as possible before we part ways - constantly go to the city and discover a new place each time - take a summer class and make new friends - get a (summer) job and make new friends - write letters to the teachers who have actually taught me something - clean/redecorate my room, finally - become nocturnal and soak up the summer nights while they last - do a hell of a lot of swimming since i didn't get to this last summer (i didn't have a swimsuit, but now i do!)
OKAY, THAT IS ENOUGH FOR TODAY. this is getting out-of-handly long. so have a good week, faithful and few readers (mine is two and a half days long! ha! hooray for ACTs and senior ditch day!), i'll catch up with you later :) AND HAPPY EASTER!!!! HE IS RISEN INDEED!!
so i went to see water for elephants today with my friend j.lee! i think i've mentioned it before, but i read the book a couple months ago and thought it was fantastic, and i had been checking in on the fan website every couple days and watched the spot on HBO and was generally really excited about the whole thing. i love reese witherspoon and rpattz too, despite twilight. remember me was just too good. so off i went to the theater, got a good seat and no popcorn since it's way too pricey nowadays, and got myself all settled in for tornado of emotions the book gave me to happen in just about two hours.
****WARNING: POSSIBLE SPOILERS****
i didn't really like how they didn't talk about jacob's time in the nursing home, well, AT ALL. no rosemary or fight at the lunch table or anything. it just started off with older jacob at the circus, in the rain (?!) and telling his story. i loved how charlie had the old photograph of marlena and august in his office. and i thought hal holbrook was a great older jacob, despite how small his part actually was. i also loved how instead of jacob stating he was polish or having that prayer scene on his first night on the train like in the book, it showed that he spoke polish at home. in the book i kind of forgot that jacob understood polish and i didn't remember him speaking more than a sentence or two, so when, in the book, he found out that rosie only understood polish, i was a little surprised.
i think the act of combining uncle al and august into one character worked perfectly in the movie. i was a little uneasy on the idea at first but they handled it well. i thought christoph waltz was absolutely perfect as august although i could hear his accent quite a few times throughout the film. can't say the same for rpattz, though, who seems to have perfected his american accent due to all the american movie roles he's gotten lately. he narrated the movie and i thought he did a good job of that.
speaking of rob pattinson, i loved loved LOVED his portrayal of jacob. let me make something clear: I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE CHARACTER OF JACOB. he is one of my favorite fictitious characters ever. and i thought rpattz pulled him off real well. a round of applause, please. he did me proud. reese witherspoon was also a very good marlena, although i still kind of think someone younger would have been able to do just as well with the part. speaking of marlena, what was with this orphan thing in the movie?! i thought her backstory in the book was just fine, and it didn't need to be so overdramatic like they made it in the movie. *huff*
so basically, i thought everyone cast fit their roles perfectly. brilliant casting. brilliant cinematography, too, might i add, and the scenery was gorgeous. with the music and the clothes and everything, you really felt like you were in 1931. although i did catch two slip-ups: raising the tent near the beginning of the movie, they showed the american flag with all 50 stars on it. i'm pretty sure alaska and hawaii were not states in 1931...and during the parade through town with rosie closer to the end, you saw one of those trains on an elevated platform zoom by in the background. other than that, it was flawless. i especially liked the speakeasy scene.
tai the elephant was absolutely adorable as rosie. when you saw her sneak off to get some lemonade, i could tell that she had officially won over the hearts of everyone in the packed theater i was in. she and rob had some great chemistry on set, although as far as reese and himself, i would have liked a little more. it seemed a bit flat to me, but...
OH. THEY NEVER SAID ONCE IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE THAT AUGUST WAS SCHIZOPHRENIC. I JUST REALIZED AND THAT REALLY PEEVES ME. speaking of peeves in the movie, let's talk about walter. he was probably my favorite character in the book and you barely saw him in the movie. i was pretty upset over that. also, he wasn't a ginger. i thought that because he was redheaded and kind of hotheaded it was a nice character trait, but he had dark hair instead. meh. i also didn't much like the sequence of events where the shit hit the fan. everything from marlena's first slapping august to august pinning her to the ground when the menagerie broke loose bothered me. a lot of it was out of order and my friend who i went with who hadn't read the book was confused by some of the things that had happened. also, would jacob really just hop off the train without rosie, even if it was to save his own ass? absolutely not. it was revealed both in the book and movie that jacob was staying to protect both marlena and rosie. if he and marlena hadn't been found in their hotel room, would they have gone back to try and save rosie? absolutely not. they were already talking about ringling by then.
some other parts of the movie i enjoyed: when august's character is revealed for the first time at the poker table. i thought it was a great introduction to his character. i also loved when jacob decided to put down silver star, even if it meant getting redlighted. both in the book and movie, i love that scene. you are shown just the kind of man jacob really is. i also loved the big top sequence where you see clips of all the acts--i've never been to a circus but have always wanted to go, so as one who can only imagine, it was breathtaking. as i mentioned before, i loved the speakeasy scene and when rosie steals a little lemonade. and despite my annoyances at some of the changes the movie made to the book, overall, i really loved it. i'm sure i'll think of more things that bothered me later on, but for now, initially, arriving home immediately after seeing the film, i really liked it. it's nothing compared to the book, let me tell you, but as a standalone movie, it's brilliant. let's hope it wins lots of awards and that others love it as much as i did! :)
every time i want to write something in here i can't think of anything exciting that's happened. still no progress in boy-land. not many exciting friend adventures (aside from seeing your highness with gracie lou over the weekend ;D). school is annoying for the most part and all i really want is a) more time to read, b) a community of writers to critique with, c) normal sleeping patterns (slept for 4 hours last night, took a 4 hour nap today, and probably repeating that tonight...), and d) FRIDAY. my photo class is finally going on the beloved downtown chicago field trip which i haven't been on since sophomore year and i adore my classmates and being downtown, so the combination of the two is promising. although it's supposed to rain/be/windy/crappy. which is not the ideal weather for a photographer, but maybe i'll get some nice shots of puddles. who knows?
also someone please tell me a city that is the real life version of coeur d'coeurs (pushing daisies) so i can plan on living out the rest of my days there when i am not traveling the world. which i still have yet to do. i swear to god, i am literally sick with wanderlust. my heart aches.
oh, and i finished reading the gospel of matthew the other day. i'm doing some good progress on bible-reading nowadays, so that's something to be proud of. still trying to figure out what to read next, i'm thinking maybe job...
one last thing. this has been bothering me for a while, i feel like i'm falling back to my old self. not that i'm much different now than i was a couple years ago, but i'm going back to the same pessimistic mindset and habits of hiding from everyone by cooping myself up inside my house and basically turning into a hermit. i've been watching shows that i watched in 7th grade and acting the same way, and it's not that 7th-grade-val was so horrible, it's just that i thought i had kind of...grown out of her. when i got my haircut, i did it because i needed a change and i wanted to feel new, but i don't feel better, in fact, i feel worse. i'm caving in on myself and i don't really have anyone to go to anymore to talk about it because i've shut almost everyone i care about out of my life by now. it's not that i've stopped talking to them or anything, it's that i stopped talking about myself to them. i don't want to let them in, i don't want them to know, or care, or basically anything and i can't tell if that's me being my horrible self or some sort of subconscious way of dealing with knowing i'm going to lose friendships over the next year because of college. i feel like i'm stepping back in time instead of going forward, and when i was younger i thought there was no problem with that, with being nostalgic or trying to remember good things instead of making more good things happen. but nowadays that's not how i am at all! or at least, recently, it was. i've considered myself an optimist up until now! i've been happy for the most part for almost a year, with very few exceptions. and i feel like i'm losing myself again and going back to this place i don't want to be in and even here on blogger i don't want to talk about that because it's something i'd rather forget. i've only talked to two other people about it and they have been near-strangers (and now they definitely are). it's not something i can talk about, or want to talk about, and even if i did, i wouldn't have anyone to talk with. i guess i'm just feeling lonely, but in a more complex way than i've felt before. i just want it to change.
my goodreads has SO MANY books on my to-read list and even though it only says i'm reading two books right now I AM ACTUALLY READING LIKE FIVE BOOKS AT ONCE. BAHHHH. i have so much free time after school now because i took a study hall this semester and instead of reading books that i said i'd read years ago, i'm sitting around watching sailor moon and tumbling. i need to set aside a certain time for every day that i read, because there are so many books that i'm dying to devour and i'm wasting precious time with it! and uh, i said i would do the 50 book challenge in your pants and i'm only, what, 5 books in? and the year is already 1/4 over with. that's great...
speaking of challenges, i'm also doing the 30/30 challenge for national poetry month! all my poems are posted on my deviantart, and i made it a little easier for myself by setting a theme. instead of searching for something to write about and failing miserably like i do every year, i've decided that every poem will be titled and somehow correlated with a city. so far, so good! i'm actually quite proud of all the poems i've written so far, but they'll probably get suckier and suckier as the month goes on, considering i'm still pretty likely to run out of ideas...
OH, AND QUICK QUESTION: does anyone know what city either a) gets the most/best sleep or b) has the most nightmares? i wrote a poem about sleep/nightmares the other day and i couldn't find anything because google was being dumb (google is my overlord. i love you, google. do not punish me). and so instead i named it after tokyo, because they apparently get the WORST sleep. huh.
ah, one last thing before signing out. has anyone seen this post about the hunger games "script"? if that is really lionsgate, THEY ARE A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES. i mean, it's bad enough that they aren't casting racially correct actors for the characters (THE BOOK SAYS KATNISS'S SKIN IS OLIVE-COLORED, I DON'T CARE THAT JENNIFER LAWRENCE IS A GOOD ACTRESS, SHE IS WHITE, KATNISS IS NOT, AND and let's not even get in to how they didn't cast hunter parrish as peeta). that alone made the movie's lack of appeal all the more apparent, but THIS, this fucking thing, is absolutely INFURIATING. i hope the head of lionsgate sees this and either fires this person or confirms that they do not, indeed, work for lionsgate (can't believe everything you see on the internet) because my GOD, WHAT A BUNCH OF ASSHATS. i don't want to see the movie at all anymore. and i was really hoping it would be great, because suzanne collins's writing is choppy and suckish. ugh, i am just fed up with this. and all this movie-business-deciding-that-every-character-has-to-be-white-and-not-any-trace-of-color-at-all-y. YEESH.
okay, wait, so maybe i do have stuff to talk about. first of all, water for elephants. finished the book a little while ago. it was great. i wrote a quick review of it over at goodreads. it's been a while since i was so thoroughly engrossed in a story like that one. i'm reading a draft of the script right now and i hope the final draft is a bit better, the draft isn't terrible but there are definitely some things i would change. (movie people, what's up with "uncle august"? ew. that sounds terrible). but i've seen two trailers so far and i saw the spot on HBO last night and i'm keeping up to date with the film fansite and it looks promising. i'm actually really excited to see it, especially with the story fresh in my mind and the fact that i LOVE movies that take place during different time periods. i think rpattz will make a fantastic jacob, although i'm still a little uneasy over reese witherspoon as marlena. christoph waltz will be a TERIFFIC august, though, without a doubt. and i hope the guy they cast as walter is good, because walter was my favorite character.
um, oh yeah, and i totally miss pushing daisies and am rewatching the series LIKE A BOSS.
also, sorry for not posting for the last week or so. i haven't really had much to say, life is going well but nothing exciting enough to talk about has happened. although, monday, i am probably finally meeting that one guy i keep talking about! (knock on wood). i'll definitely tell you guys how THAT goes...and tomorrow i'm going to see a swedish hip-hop band john green recommended a couple months ago on twitter. they're so good. i'm pumped. hoping to see other nerdfighters there, but who cares, it's sure to be fun! i'll post about it this weekend, for sure.
and so, to wrap this up, finally, here is another song of the day which is a particularly good AND relevant one, if you ask me:
spring break was dull, i was sick the majority of the time and then all i did was finish a photoshoot and hang out with tia. i'm getting a haircut this week though, and i don't know what i want to do with my hair! dyeing it darker, but i want it shorter and styled differently. time to google hairstyles!
oh, and i finally got my books in the mail, poems by both buddy wakefield and sierra demulder, two slam poets i love, both of whom i've seen live. (i am always afraid to say whom, i never know if i'm using it right...) and i've been re-reading an older book of slam poetry i got at my first slam, the pornography diaries by sean patrick conlon. he's still my favorite slam poet ever, his words have so much truth and depth to them. anyhow, i recommend that you youtube their performances and read their poetry because the whole three of them are fantastic. and they inspired me to write a little poem of my own, so without further ado, here is "amy":
amy, i can only see the outlines of your eyes hollow blanks where orbs once orbited you were the sun we revolved around.
you were so full of life, even in death i could sense your smile like a shadow blocking rays of sunlight from tanning my back --a little cooler than the rest of me.
the morticians painted your nails deep blue i wonder if they knew it was your favorite color, or a lucky guess. your family was too afraid to speak in sign language to strangers.
and those hands that said so much, more than any mouth ever could will never move on their own again. arranged so delicately across your heart
that fails to pump blood into this body, this cage, i am not my cage, you said, my body is a cage and i am not my cage. now, i can't see the spots where your
auburn hair no longer covered. i always told you how jealous i was, that your hair was so beautiful in clumsy, fumbling gestures.
your eyes danced as you laughed, silently, though you always laughed so much. those eyes that you gave away, that worked so perfectly even though your voice and ears couldn't.
those eyes outlined by deep, dark blue like two moons orbiting your mars-red hair phobos and deimos.
and here is a video of sierra demulder performing my favorite poem of hers, werewolf:
not much to report on, just felt like blabbering for a bit...
it's spring break finally, friday just dragged on and on but then madeline and trisha and i watched tangled after school, which was fun. and this morning i woke up with a fever, which is a fantastic way to start break! ugh, well at least i'm not using up sick days for this (second semester seniors are only allowed 5 sick days and i've already used one).
anyhow, you know that guy i posted about a few days ago? well, i've always been one for signs and such and the signs that this little ~love connection~ will happen are abundant. and i'm praying and wishing and hoping it does. my god, i'm turning into a mushy little hopeless romantic sap. iuldhflis how is it possible to start to like someone so fast without having had a meaningful conversation before with them?! i mean, sure, i know lots about him from his sister, but jeez. i'm starting to have dreams about him!
well, i was originally going to talk about how sick i am of all my classmates and how i can't wait for school to end but at the same time it's a ~scary adult world~ out there waiting for me but i'm not much in the mood for that anymore. instead i'm going to make a mini-playlist of my week.
~val's week playlist for the week of march 13-19~
1. stars - barcelona
2. jesus - page france
3. something that i want - grace potter
4. around the bend - the asteroids galaxy tour
5. england - the national
6. boston - augustana
7. slide - goo goo dolls
8. don't hold back - the potbelleez
9. jefferson aeroplane (demo version) - relient k
10. swing life away - rise against
11. we used to wait - the arcade fire
12. futile devices - sufjan stevens
here's a youtube playlist of it, minus jefferson aeroplane, because the demo version is nowhere to be found on youtube. look for it elsewhere, it's so good!
i would also like to thank kylie for the nice comment on my last post :) i will definitely be trying to go for it once break ends!!
just one more day to go. then i have spring break!
today felt like a friday. so many awesome things happened. talked a ton to michelle in the darkroom today and managed to crank out 3 perfect prints, and we're critiquing tomorrow. I LOVE CRITIQUES. working on revamping existing company logos in commercial design, and gym was so much fun today. we got to bring in guests so katrina and i called up bo, who had an off period (she's a freshman in college and is my friend from gym last year) and she did the entire high ropes course even though she was terrified and i felt like a proud mother when she finally came back to the ground. :') and then she came to lunch with my group of friends, and cute kid K saw me as i was leaving gym and called out to me and yeah oljsdjfs he's such a cutie.
then in study hall the greatest thing of all great things happened, this kid who i kind of am in love with even though we've never formally met and he's one of my good friends' brother and stuff sat next to me at the computer bank in study hall. my friend is a sophomore but he's my age although we've never had a class together, and he's seen me roaming about in his house with her and we see each other in the hallway almost 7 times a day, so he has to have at least a foggy idea of who i am. do you ever get that feeling that someone who you always see around is supposed to be a part of your life someday? and that they'll be a big part? well, that's what struck me when i saw him for the first time. i don't know, i have this weird feeling about him. and whenever i see him in the halls i always start to work up the nerve to say something like, "hey, i'm friends with your sister!" then as soon as i gather enough courage to actually open my mouth it all vanishes. one of my lunch group friends has a thing for him too, but she has a boyfriend, so. anyhow, he sat next to me, and my heart was pounding and it was really embarassing even though i know no one could hear it, and i just kept looking at him out of the corner of my eye. he's left handed and has the most beautiful profile of any person ever. and he hiccuped once and it was the cutest thing ever. i glanced at his computer once and he was playing a rocketship-outer-space-computer-game and i chortled, because his sister told me that he's always wanted to be an astronaut and i know he's going into aerospace engineering or something like that. then, he sneezed and without hesitation i just said, "bless you" and he said "thank you" and my god, his voice. there could be no better sound. i swear, i'm practically in love with this kid and i only know stuff about him because of his sister (i mean, he's also the star athlete at our school and kind of a super-genius and gorgeous, so everyone knows a little about him, but he's also completely asocial and kind of has a hatred of human beings--something i think we can bond over, haha).
i feel like he sat next to me because he wanted to be next to me, because pretty much every seat at the computer bank was open--but that could be just wishful thinking. i just feel like he's going to be a big part of my life, you know? and it's not like i'm going out of my way to know him or anything, it's all happening of its own accord. which is what i want to happen in a relationship, and i'm not even looking for one right now, i'm happy single for maybe the first time in my life; but i can't deny that i feel something for him and that it could probably go somewhere if we actually got on, oh i dunno, speaking terms. but i'll have to see how it all plays out. there's only around two months left of school anyway, and then he'll be going to college on the east coast whereas i'm most likely staying here for community college for a year or two. which kind of sucks, but. i kind of hope something happens. i always fall for strangers, but he's not too strange and i know enough about him to think he's interesting. i want to get to know him better. so, we'll see what happens. i'll keep updated.
song of the day (it was going to be jefferson aeroplane, demo version, but i couldn't find it. so curl up and die will do. god, i love relient k).
whenever i'm watching a film and i get a strong sense of what one of the characters is like, i can imagine their scent. it's less imagining and more that i can actually smell them, but i know it isn't real. this never happens when i read a book, though, it's just movies. maybe because i love the smell of books enough to begin with. some prime examples of this strange phenomenon are tony stark from iron man, and sherlock holmes from the movie of the same name. they're both the strongest to me and oddly enough, they're both played by robert downey jr. i'm still trying to figure out if that's a coincidence or not...
and though i've been watching doctor who for months, almost a year (i started so late...) i have never been able to "smell" the doctor. there aren't many characters whom i can smell, but since the doctor's quirky, persistent personality is so constant, you'd have though i'd have been able to figure out his scent by now. but it hasn't been until now, after watching 2.3 (gridlock) that i've been able to figure out his scent. and it's so strangely human--although there's something that ties it all together that i can't quite name.
the doctor smells like the rubber of new sneakers. he smells like bread baking in an oven and that scent on your fingers after holding something metal. he smells like secondhand books and there's a little cinnamon that you can barely breathe in. there's the faint smell of marshmallows and kettle corn, and the even fainter of damp laundry. the doctor smells like an unscented burning candle and a little like my dad's shampoo. but there's one last thing, something i can't quite name, that seems almost otherworldly, that i'd never be able to place. and that's probably the truest scent to him of all. of those scents, blended together, the strongest of them is this one. but it makes sense--he's not human after all, who said he has to smell like one? this scent is time lord, there's no other way of describing it.
it takes a really strong character for me to conjure up a scent of them (and i don't even know how or why my brain does that--i'm thinking it may be my synesthesia being weird), but no scent has ever been as strong as the doctor's. it just goes to show that after spending so much time with the doctor, in his world, he's finally allowed me to get a better sense of him, more than the one i decipher from images and sound. once i catch a character's perfume, i never let it go and it just makes my understanding of that person that much stronger. with the doctor, it's no different, but it is increased tenfold. i don't know exactly why this odd occurrence happens, or why it happens with the characters it does. but it's always interesting to see who stands out the most to me and what exactly they smell like (sherlock smells like blueberries, the inside of a violin case, my grandparents' house, and rain in the city). it makes watching movies (or television, now, for that matter) so much more fun and it gives me a better insight to a character, for whatever reason. i'm intrigued by this odd talent of mine, and i figured it was probably time that i write about it.
also, for the song of the day, i thought i'd give it a doctor who theme to complete my post ;)
oh boy, i just finished reading this book. i read it all weekend and i fell in love over the course of it. it was fantastic. i'm going to give a little review, if i can manage to find the words.
anna and the french kiss is not the typical YA "chick-lit" (god, i hate that word) novel you might make it out to be. a summary would seem cliche enough to fit this genre: anna oliphant is a girl from atlanta entering her senior year of high school, in paris. her dad ships her off to experience culture and the like, and anna isn't thrilled. back home, she has an almost-boyfriend, best friend, and little brother. but when she gets there and meets etienne st. clair, she falls almost insantly for him. he's british, beautiful, (afraid of heights,) and has a serious girlfriend. ~but in the city of light, wishes can come true~ and all that. you know there's gonna be a happy ending. and there is. but it's so much better than that.
right there on the front page, i know i'll enjoy this book. the mention of films like moulin rouge! and amelie and even madeline assured me that i would not be disappointed with the rest of the book. i think nearly any girl can relate to anna, what she says, her fears and loves and the voice stephanie perkins gives her narrator is flawless. i feel like if i were placed in anna's situation, i would be having those exact same thoughts. it's impeccable.
the novel is rich in details, like the beautiful views of the streets of paris and the smell of the bakery one busy afternoon. if i wanderlusted for paris before, it's nothing compared to now. as anna becomes best friends with st. clair, her secret love for him is contagious. i want an etienne of my own! the thing i liked most about the romance, though, is that it wasn't love at first sight, really. i mean, it was--but they were friends first. best friends. and that's the kind of relationship i, and probably most other teenage girls, would like to have. anna is so relatable, and to such a wide audience of girls. i'm no film critic nerd, but if anna were real, we could definitely be best friends. anna's other friends, and bully, are so, just, PERFECT that the characters practically seem real. these people could really exist, and i know people who do exist who are just like them. it's this eye to detail that makes the book so flawless.
of course, there's drama throughout the novel, of course. anna returns home for winter break and finds out her almost-boyfriend and so-called best friend are not what they add up to be. etienne's mother gets cancer and his dad is a total asshole. anna's friend meredith likes st. clair right along there with anna. and, of course, there's etienne's stupid girlfriend, who he's been fighting with for months but neither can bring themselves to dump the other. oh, and we can't forget that horrible bully girl, amanda, who teases anna relentlessly because she, too, likes st. clair. it's a bit ridiculous, how cliche this all sounds--but perkins handles it with such care and grace that you're swept up in the midst of it all and it consumes your thoughts when you're not reading, right alongside anna through the rough times.
and, of course, there is the predictable happy ending. anna and etienne end up together, finally, finally (you are itching for them to kiss the entire time. the entire time. all you will want is for them to end up together, and thankfully, they do) they are. i know what you're thinking, cliche cliche cliche, but it's such a fun, easy, delightful read that you won't even notice. the ending is probably the best part, at least that's my immediate reaction. throughout the novel, anna struggles with the idea of home--first atlanta was her home, but when she returns and nothing is quite like how she left it, paris becomes her home. and then she realizes, finally, at the end, that home is not a place--it's a person. and she has found her home with st. clair, who will be going to school in san francisco with her next year. a new city, but home all the same. and the end just leaves you feeling so whole and happy that it's impossible to deny that this is a good, no, fantastic book.
oh, also--the entire time i read the book i couldn't help but imagine alexander rybak as etienne! there was just something about him that made me envision that. and i've been looking at some fanmade graphics for the book, and i have to say, people out there have fantastic taste. if anna were ever to be made into a movie--and if they did it right and it earned favor in miss ophilant's eyes, i think it could be brilliant--i think aaron johnson and leighton meester could be a great etienne and anna. although, personally, the girl on the cover of the book is exactly how i would want anna to look. is she an actress? she should be. because if this were to be done right in hollywood, she would be perfect for the job.
oh, and here is my song of the day--i've been listening to it the whole time i've been writing this.
today is the start of my final writers week at fremd. i feel like this isn't my senior year at all, i felt a much bigger sense of loss last year--i feel like that was my senior year. i knew nearly half of the graduating class, got to go to WW at least 4 of 8 periods of the day, and their class was just so much more spirited. but that's a topic for a later date.
writers week today started out fantastic. i saw student writers, many of whom were thousands times better than i could have ever expected, and the lovely julie halpern during 4th. she was hilarious and fun and enticing all at once and i've read her book get well soon for summer reading, and it was fantastic. i need to read her other novel. i can't wait to see sierra demulder, a slam poet, on wednesday, who was one of my two favorites last year, and chris crutcher, who wrote staying fat for sarah byrnes, which was one of my favorite books i've ever read for school and ever in general. i am beyond excited for this whole week :)
anyhow, writers week always inspires me to write loads more than usual because i'm always too scared to read stuff i've previously written. just today already i wrote a poem about/to/for my grandmother, and just now i finished watching dead poets society. i've wanted to watch it for months at least, and never got around to it, until now. i figured it would be a good movie to watch during writers week and i was right. i want to read a bit before i go to bed so i'll keep this brief, but it was, in a word, brilliant. i love movies like that, where by the end i'm itching to start my own revolution among my peers. robin williams was flawless. the only thing that bugged me, and it didn't even bug me so much as amuse me, was that about halfway through i figured out why i recognized neil--he's wilson in house! it was so weird to me to see him in a role other than wilson, even though i haven't watched house in maybe two years.
so last night i finally ended a friendship with someone that i'd been putting off for months now. i wrote her a really long letter, and gave her reasons why i haven't been happy with being her "friend" for a long time, and off it went. i wouldn't be surprised if she started a ton of drama (knock on wood) because i mentioned how i felt like she was stealing my best friend away from me, and i would be even less surpised if my so-called best friend sided with her (knock on wood again) if this argument came up. sigh. she's just that kind of person, so i'm really glad i won't have to fake being nice to her anymore. i've been wanting to write out how i feel for so long and to finally do it and break that chain of the weight that was holding me down from being as happy as i could, and i feel a hell of a lot better now.
following my post from midnight, here's a bit more about the things i wanted to write about:
1. valentine's day
on sunday i went to target and got some valentines (phineas and ferb and holographic dinosaur!) to hand out to anyone who wanted them at school. everyone i gave one too just seemed really cheered and happy, and knowing that i made someone smile was great :) i gave some to my favorite teachers, too, and patton was practically beaming when i gave him his. he's such a sweetheart hahah.
2. cute kid K
so there's this kid in my design class who i've thought was super cute for a really long time and i'm starting to talk to him a bit and i may be developing a crush on him kldghludf and i feel like maybe maybe maybe he might be interested in me (knock on wood) cuz he's done some stuff that just seems kind of like it to me. a couple times when i go to the other side of the room to talk to my friend, he'll jump in the conversation and then it'll turn into just a conversation between us two. when i go to get food in the cafeteria, he'll show up a minute later and talk to me while i'm in line. one day when i got to class he was standing by my desk and when he saw me he smiled and started talking to me. and lol, this one makes me laugh, one day i told him he wears gray too much and i want to see him wear a color, the next day he wore a red t-shirt. idk i kind of want something to happen with him, but if it didn't i wouldn't be too disappointed or anything. and last night i found out he's kind of a big druggie, which i never would have guessed, and i had a dream about him last night and i know drugs were involved but i can't remember what happened, although i woke up kind of panicked. so i really wish i could remember :/
3. STARSHIP
thursday night i went to see starship and all this shit happened beforehand but anyhow, i ended up taking leann with me who i had photo with last semester, and it was SO SO SO SO GREAT. it's definitely my favorite starkid production and the music was fantastic and it was hilarious and bright and colorful and just wonderful!! i loved tootsie noodles/mega-girl and taz (all of the humans basically) and the mosquitoes and there was this one part where mega-girl's wig fell off and it definitely wasn't supposed to happen but they improv'd it so well that by the end i didn't even remember it. joey richter's voice has definitely improved by landslides (not that it was even bad before but khgdilf it is TREMENDOUS now) and everyone was so fantastic at their roles. after the show ended, leann and i waited around with a bunch of other people to see if anyone in the cast would come out because we wanted pictures with them. first person we saw was the girl who played february, i can't think of her name right now...and she was talking to people who i guess knew her, so then when dylan saunders (dumbledore in AVPM and tootsie in SS) came out leann and i ran over there and were pretty much the first people to talk to him :) he was such a sweetheart, and he gave me a really good hug lol. then right after we took our pictures and thanked him, jim povolo, who is goyle in AVPM and who i absolutely LOVE came out, so we rushed over to him, too. he's SO tall, and i told him that he plays all my favorite parts in the shows and he was so bashful and humble about it. loved him :') then a few minutes later who comes out but JOEY FREAKIN' RICHTER. i pretty much shoved leann through the swarm of people so we could get a picture with him and run out. when i walked over to him to get my picture, my massive purse practically knocked someone out and i was like "oh god" and he was cracking up over it. i was so nervous/excited/starstruck that i was going to say something about his soul patch/facial hair in general and totally forgot about it. so, once we got the photos we headed over to the elevators to leave because nobody else had come out and my mom texted me asking to hurry up, when none other than BRIAN HOLDEN who is possibly my favorite starkid came out and so, of course, we got pictures with him too. he was hilarious and gave me a good hug also. so, then, we fiiiiiinally left and we saw joey richter on the side of the building that my mom was parked at, with a bunch of fans and leann and i started being little fangirls all over again. but oh my god, the whole night was SO fun. i was beaming and screaming the whole ride home, and i couldn't fall asleep i was so happy. i'm still smiling about it, it was such a great experience and i'm so glad all the cast was so nice to us when we attacked them for photos. i hope they do more shows in chicago because i will DEFINITELY be going to more :) (oh, and we were 15 minutes late thanks to traffic, so i hope they put starship on youtube so i can see what happened in the beginning...)
OH AND HERE, YOU CAN LOOK AT MY PICTURES WITH ALL OF THEM I GUESS:
i keep forgetting to update this or i remember but i don't have the time to sdklhodg[hdf
i actually don't have time right now to talk about all the stuff i want to talk about because it's midnight and i'm super tired but i want to say a couple things to remind me tomorrow
1. valentine's day and stuff
2. cute kid K and stuff
3. STARSHIP AND STUFF (don't forget the wig)
okay that's my little note-to-self...anyhow, so this post isn't COMPLETELY pointless, hear one of the only acceptable elvis covers i've ever listened to! (i am a huge elvis fan and i generally do not like anyone's covers of his music (but this one is okay)).
i thought being a second semester senior was supposed to be easy but this is one of the hardest semesters of school i've ever had. oy vey.
the only classes i truly enjoy now are commercial design and my outdoor adventure gym class. photo is so boring without all my friends, no more drawing, schmidt is the worst survey teacher ever but i enjoy my class, and lunch is turned to shit because i am constantly directing katrina to places two blocks from school because she can't remember and she is literally the worst driver i've ever been in a vehicle with. i don't enjoy driving and therefore have not gotten my license yet but oh my GOD i've only been on the road like four times and i can drive better than her. how the hell did she get a license?!
i know i definitely had something else to say, something relevant or interesting instead of complaining as will usually be the substance of this blog, but i can't think of it...
OH IN GOOD NEWS THOUGH WE ARE DESIGNING GIG POSTERS IN COMMERCIAL AND I AM SOOOO EXCITED I'VE ALWAYS ADMIRED GIG POSTERS ESPECIALLY WHEN I WAS IN MY CRAZY-NOTHING-MATTERS-BUT-MUSIC PHASE OF LIFE so that is something awesome going on
oh, and today in gym we did talents and this girl did a cover of a bon iver song so that is my song of the day.
all that waiting, two and a half years, for nothing.
welp. you wait to see what'll happen and this is what happened so i guess i can't be that upset. i'm not as upset as i thought i would be, it's just this on top of a bunch of other stuff is really not giving me the best start to the week. oh well.
anyhow, since it doesn't seem like i will be in pursuit of him any longer, i'm going to make a rough list of requirements in a male counterpart~ this will be fun.
physical requirements (not much):
taller than me
bigger nose than mine
that was easy.
and now for the personality requirements:
must like or at least tolerate the music i listen to
enjoy laughing (with/at me is okay as long as he laughs a lot)
an appreciation for literature would be nice
and also enjoyment of nerdy things such as doctor who
i would like to be able to hold a conversation about things like politics or beliefs
and knows when to be silent
enjoying playing some old school nintendo with me would be cool
it would be nice if he would watch a movie with me and not try to make out every few minutes (rather, someone who will pay attention to a movie if he were to watch it with me)
good taste in movies would also be nice (e.g., not stepbrothers)
it would be nice if you liked learning/gaining knowledge
and if you could watch and/or discuss soccer with me that'd be FABULOUS
putting up with my obsessions would also be great
and also if you were at least in my range of weirdness i think we could get along great
oh another thing: i am always right
except when i admit i'm wrong
if you are not obsessed with grabbing my ass every chance you get and instead would just hold my hand all the time, i would be happy
be willing to talk to me about your problems and let me talk about mine too
honesty honesty honesty
it would be nice if you can quote ferris bueller randomly throughout conversations also
art appreciation woop woop
understand my need of privacy/alone time/introvertedness
be immature with me
that's pretty much all i can think of off the top of my head. lol it's way too late to have a ~special someone~ for valentine's day but with that list i doubt i'll even find a prom date. such high standards. sigh. as chloe would say, quiero una pareja~
hi. if you've found this, i must have given the link out to you. so you probably know why i'm here, but if not, i'll tell you anyway.
i'm here because i no longer have a place where i can just vent, rant, obsess over things without worrying about somebody reading it. facebook is the most public place on the internet, and i have been spending a lot of time on tumblr ever since. i act a lot more like myself there than anywhere else, but a few people i know in the physical world follow my tumblr and i find i am becoming increasingly self-conscious over what i post for fear that they will see it. sometimes i want to complain about someone or something and i can't, because that person knows my tumblr and would see it and it would hurt their feelings. i don't have anywhere where i am fully free. i've used blogger every so often over the years but never quite stuck to it, since i've never really made connections here. so, here i am, again, trying to not only stick with it, but make some friends along the way.
this is going to be all about me. selfish, i know, but sometimes you just need an outlet. my fears, my accomplishments, my infatuations, my questions--they will all be here. maybe not a journaling every day, maybe a picture some days, a poem on others. but it will be all about me. i will not worry about hurting someone else's feelings or carefully phrasing what i want to say because if you are here it means you don't know me, and i am 100% okay with that.
