i really miss my photography class. i just want to lock myself in the silence and darkness of the darkroom for hours until i make the perfect print. i miss the smell of the chemicals and the sound of the enlargers and the dim red glow of the safe lights. :(
more than that, though, i just want to take pictures. i haven't really been anywhere lately so i haven't thought to bring my camera with me. i want to wander around downtown all day but i don't know anyone who would go with me and i don't think my parents would like it much if i went by myself.
i also want to write more, but i just haven't been in the mood for it recently. a week or so ago, i managed to crank out a poem which i actually really like, which is rare, but aside from that, nothing. reading about writers like e.e. cummings and ernest hemingway and the like are making me want to write so badly, but i have next to nothing to write about. my life is dull. i'm not in a beautiful city surrounded by other creative minds, i'm stuck in a suburb surrounded by students at community college that i barely know. why wasn't i born into the lost generation :/
on the bright side of things, there will be some excitement soon: i have tickets to see beirut on the 26th! with my best pal grace, nonetheless. they are my favorite band (tied with anberlin because no one will ever beat them) and i missed them at lolla, so i'm really excited to see them :) it should be great!
anyway, i'll get back to wonderfalls (GREAT SHOW) now and leave you with my song rec of the day, which i am currently obsessed with:
i really need to talk about how vacation was in detail, but for now i just have one thing to say
I MAY OR MAY NOT BE GETTING HIRED AT BARNES & NOBLE
HGJKFDLGJFKDLHUTJDKLS
i turned in an application about a week ago and they called me two days later to schedule an interview! it went well, and now i have a second interview with who i believe is one of the higher-up managers? and if all goes well (crossing fingers) i'll start training after that!!
i'm so thrilled, guys, and i don't even have the job yet. i've wanted to work at a bookstore for as long as i can remember, and i've applied to different barnes & noble-ses two times before. i guess the 3rd time really is the charm!! this is quite literally my dream job, even though it isn't really a ~career. if i get this job, i will be one of, if not the, most happiest girls in the world.
also, when i went there monday for my first interview, a cute employee helped me find the interviewer ;D i hope i end up on the same schedule as him if they hire me ahahaha...
OH. also. wandered around the ol' college campus for a little bit yesterday. the library there is excellent. floor-to-ceiling windows, bookshelves almost as high, hundreds of little nooks and crannies to hide with a book/laptop/etc, omg. it's so perfect and cozy. and in the same building there is a little snack shop/cafe. this is important, haha, because i am kind of stranded at college for 3 hours between classes on tuesdays and thursdays since my mom works and has the car etc and i need a place to chill for that time. oy. but the campus is actually extremely nice! i kind of expect all community colleges to be crappy and cheap and stuff, but it is actually a really nice place. props to the architects and the janitors, hahaha.
and tomorrow i'm headed off for the beach/double-movie feature (ft. one day and FRIGHT NIGHT IUFKLEDHUJSDL) with my best bud gracie lou! SO excited. especially for fright night :'D
oh also also also. i am working back at the same company i did summer 2009 and oh man everyone there is just rad, even if they are all 30+. there is one cute guy who i thought would be a ~potential dating candidate~ but he's 7 years older than me o_____o he was starting high school when i was starting 3rd grade. that's just...creepy to think about. but he is gorgeousssss and i keep embarrassing myself in front of him ahaha. ANYWAY, the moral of this story is now i have EXTRA cashola and tia and i are returning to WWOHP in january when all the kiddies have gone back to school and it is abandoned :') CAN'T WAIT.
just wrote all this on tumblr and decided to bring it over here so y'all know a little about what's going on in my life right now.
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i feel really bad that i haven’t hung out with many of my friends this summer, especially since we’re all ~going away to college~ and stuff
today one of my best friends asked me to hang out, and i told her no, i have to pack (that wasn’t a lie though lol) and i mean she wanted to go to the pool and that is not something i enjoy doing (i like swimming and all but not in public, at least, not where people i might know may be. i don’t know why, but i feel completely comfortable on my own/in a swimsuit/etc with a bunch of total strangers around but if i’m in public and people i might know could be around, i am always on edge). and i just really didn’t want to even go and sunbathe or something, even though i haven’t seen her in about two weeks, which is a really long time for us.
the thing is, i hate having people over and i hate going out. as much as i love my friends, those two things are huge for me and definitely overpower my love for my friends. i feel like my house is too small and private, too me, and i don’t want them to come over and see something that might reveal a part of myself i don’t want them to see. and i don’t like to leave, because only just recently, this paralyzing fear that something will happen to my family while i’m not around has just overtaken me and i find myself constantly worrying about it. i’m excited to go to florida this week, but spending that much time away from home is going to be agony.
my bedtime schedule has gotten totally out-of-whack this summer—i usually go to bed around 4-5am and wake up between 11 and 2pm—and i check on my sleeping family periodically while i’m still awake. i don’t thing anything really triggered this anxiety, it just kind of kept growing and growing until it snowballed into something that i never really stop thinking about. and if i do manage to stop thinking about it, when i remember, i panic and have to make sure my family’s okay.
i’ve barely even been outside this summer, except for bike rides every other day or so, just to keep an eye on everyone and make sure they’re not in trouble. summer is my favorite season, it’s almost over, and i’ve barely enjoyed it at all.
one thing that doesn’t help is that someone “broke in” to one of our cars a few weeks ago. i say that in quotes because it is our really really old car that doesn’t really even work anymore so nobody’s driven it in almost a year, and also because my mom was cleaning it a month before the incident and left it unlocked…the thing that freaks me out about this, though, is that the night it happened, i went to bed early. i only stayed up til 2, instead of 4/5 (which is around the time my dad gets up for work, lol) and the fact that it was just that one night of all the nights has got me paranoid, thinking somebody is watching the house. the whole thing is especially freaky because i live in a cul-de-sac, and not close to the main street at all.
oh, and weird shit keeps happening in my house. things keep getting knocked over by nothing, lights turn on randomly (this might be due to all the storms?), and my dog totally freaked out one night and slept in my bed (lol) which is something she NEVER does. i don’t believe in ghosts, but i am a little spooked.
oh, speaking of storms, since when did i become terrified of them? i used to love storms, they used to lull me to sleep, and now if i wake up in the middle of a storm at night i can’t go back to sleep because i amterrified.
so basically, this is a post about how i am turning into a very nervous and anxious person and have become a hermit and barely seen any of my friends this summer even though they’re leaving in a few weeks and i won’t see many of them until christmas.
i also got a shit-ton of graduation money from relatives, and i want to put it all away into what i'd like to call the "wanderlust fund". if i manage to get a job soon, half of every paycheck will go in there as well. and when i save up enough, i think i'd like scotland to be the first place i travel to.
although i would really like to at least study abroad at university of dundee in scotland. i'm just completely enamored by it. i'm not the brightest when it comes to stuff like, just, terms for college things so i don't completely understand how their international students/study abroad program works and if i do end up studying there (which is something i would really really really like to do) i would probably be at loyola first, so they can take care of all the transfer stuff and not myself since harper is just dumb, ugh, why am i stuck at community college ;_; but anyway, yeah. it's something i would really like to do and i can only hope and pray that i get the chance to.
also fuck american drinking laws. i really just want to like, go to a pub with friends and maybe watch a football match and something, i'm not a partier and i don't want to ~get wasted~ and most likely puked on by people who i'd rather not have anything to do with...just going to a bar would be perfect for me. but nooooo, it has to be 21 in america. not even 19 like in canada...which is a really random age, if you ask me...anyway, i think that the main reason, aside from partying being the only good way to get alcohol if you're underage, that i don't drink is because i just feel guilty about breaking the law. uuuuugh. darn law.
anyway, sean biggerstaff is cute. i just watched cashback and loved it. oh, and deathly hallows...holy shit. check my tumblr for thoughts on that. ;_____;
and i'm going to FL next week. i get to spend a day at the wizarding world of harry potter and then disney world with my best friends. good deal. i'll write more when i'm back from that trip, because my life isn't really exciting enough to write about right now...
oh, one last thing. my dear friend grace and i are going to vlog, much like john and hank green, this upcoming school year when she goes away to northwestern :'( which is only like an hour away, but still. this will be our first separation...SINCE KINDERGARTEN!!!! so it's a big deal. i'm excited to try my hand out at vlogging, it's something i've always had an interest in but never really had an audience in mind, so it would've probably just been babbling...excited to see how that goes.
anyway, it's 2:30 and i want to watch doctor who. goodnight, folks.
OH OH OH ONE LAST THING!!!!!!! I MET TOM FELTON!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm still pretty pissed about being rushed when it was my turn to talk to him after waiting for 5 1/2 hours...he was very sweet and also somewhat softspoken...and very british. haha. i didn't get to say much aside from "hi" and answer his "how are you?" with "i'm very good!" the staff rushed me so when i left i said "thank you so much, it was so nice to meet you!" and he said "thank you love, cheers!" CHEERS. HOW BRITISH CAN YOU GET? i had a ton of silly/slightly creepy stuff that i wanted to say to him but didn't get the chance to since i was being shoo'd away by the damn staff...no, but it really was fantastic, aside from a terrible wait in scorching heat and random rain showers. i look pretty decent in my picture, all things considered, although i paid $25 for an OUT OF FOCUS picture! i am extremely upset about that. i pretty much abused the sharpen tool in photoshop, which is evident if you click for the big size of the photo, which i recommend not doing...hahaha. it still feels very surreal to not only have met him, but to have ~touched~ him and given him a little hug when it was my turn to meet him. I SECONDHAND HUGGED VOLDEMORT. not too many people can say that, i bet. hahaha. anyway, here's the picture! goodnight now, for real! :)
