i was in love with a place in my mind, in my mind

just wrote all this on tumblr and decided to bring it over here so y'all know a little about what's going on in my life right now.

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i feel really bad that i haven’t hung out with many of my friends this summer, especially since we’re all ~going away to college~ and stuff

today one of my best friends asked me to hang out, and i told her no, i have to pack (that wasn’t a lie though lol) and i mean she wanted to go to the pool and that is not something i enjoy doing (i like swimming and all but not in public, at least, not where people i might know may be. i don’t know why, but i feel completely comfortable on my own/in a swimsuit/etc with a bunch of total strangers around but if i’m in public and people i might know could be around, i am always on edge). and i just really didn’t want to even go and sunbathe or something, even though i haven’t seen her in about two weeks, which is a really long time for us.

the thing is, i hate having people over and i hate going out. as much as i love my friends, those two things are huge for me and definitely overpower my love for my friends. i feel like my house is too small and private, too me, and i don’t want them to come over and see something that might reveal a part of myself i don’t want them to see. and i don’t like to leave, because only just recently, this paralyzing fear that something will happen to my family while i’m not around has just overtaken me and i find myself constantly worrying about it. i’m excited to go to florida this week, but spending that much time away from home is going to be agony.

my bedtime schedule has gotten totally out-of-whack this summer—i usually go to bed around 4-5am and wake up between 11 and 2pm—and i check on my sleeping family periodically while i’m still awake. i don’t thing anything really triggered this anxiety, it just kind of kept growing and growing until it snowballed into something that i never really stop thinking about. and if i do manage to stop thinking about it, when i remember, i panic and have to make sure my family’s okay.

i’ve barely even been outside this summer, except for bike rides every other day or so, just to keep an eye on everyone and make sure they’re not in trouble. summer is my favorite season, it’s almost over, and i’ve barely enjoyed it at all.

one thing that doesn’t help is that someone “broke in” to one of our cars a few weeks ago. i say that in quotes because it is our really really old car that doesn’t really even work anymore so nobody’s driven it in almost a year, and also because my mom was cleaning it a month before the incident and left it unlocked…the thing that freaks me out about this, though, is that the night it happened, i went to bed early. i only stayed up til 2, instead of 4/5 (which is around the time my dad gets up for work, lol) and the fact that it was just that one night of all the nights has got me paranoid, thinking somebody is watching the house. the whole thing is especially freaky because i live in a cul-de-sac, and not close to the main street at all.

oh, and weird shit keeps happening in my house. things keep getting knocked over by nothing, lights turn on randomly (this might be due to all the storms?), and my dog totally freaked out one night and slept in my bed (lol) which is something she NEVER does. i don’t believe in ghosts, but i am a little spooked.

oh, speaking of storms, since when did i become terrified of them? i used to love storms, they used to lull me to sleep, and now if i wake up in the middle of a storm at night i can’t go back to sleep because i amterrified.

so basically, this is a post about how i am turning into a very nervous and anxious person and have become a hermit and barely seen any of my friends this summer even though they’re leaving in a few weeks and i won’t see many of them until christmas.

it's been a while.

been thinking about scotland again.

i don't know why i'm so drawn to it, but i am.

i also got a shit-ton of graduation money from relatives, and i want to put it all away into what i'd like to call the "wanderlust fund". if i manage to get a job soon, half of every paycheck will go in there as well. and when i save up enough, i think i'd like scotland to be the first place i travel to.

although i would really like to at least study abroad at university of dundee in scotland. i'm just completely enamored by it. i'm not the brightest when it comes to stuff like, just, terms for college things so i don't completely understand how their international students/study abroad program works and if i do end up studying there (which is something i would really really really like to do) i would probably be at loyola first, so they can take care of all the transfer stuff and not myself since harper is just dumb, ugh, why am i stuck at community college ;_; but anyway, yeah. it's something i would really like to do and i can only hope and pray that i get the chance to.

also fuck american drinking laws. i really just want to like, go to a pub with friends and maybe watch a football match and something, i'm not a partier and i don't want to ~get wasted~ and most likely puked on by people who i'd rather not have anything to do with...just going to a bar would be perfect for me. but nooooo, it has to be 21 in america. not even 19 like in canada...which is a really random age, if you ask me...anyway, i think that the main reason, aside from partying being the only good way to get alcohol if you're underage, that i don't drink is because i just feel guilty about breaking the law. uuuuugh. darn law.

anyway, sean biggerstaff is cute. i just watched cashback and loved it. oh, and deathly hallows...holy shit. check my tumblr for thoughts on that. ;_____;

and i'm going to FL next week. i get to spend a day at the wizarding world of harry potter and then disney world with my best friends. good deal. i'll write more when i'm back from that trip, because my life isn't really exciting enough to write about right now...

oh, one last thing. my dear friend grace and i are going to vlog, much like john and hank green, this upcoming school year when she goes away to northwestern :'( which is only like an hour away, but still. this will be our first separation...SINCE KINDERGARTEN!!!! so it's a big deal. i'm excited to try my hand out at vlogging, it's something i've always had an interest in but never really had an audience in mind, so it would've probably just been babbling...excited to see how that goes.

anyway, it's 2:30 and i want to watch doctor who. goodnight, folks.

OH OH OH ONE LAST THING!!!!!!! I MET TOM FELTON!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm still pretty pissed about being rushed when it was my turn to talk to him after waiting for 5 1/2 hours...he was very sweet and also somewhat softspoken...and very british. haha. i didn't get to say much aside from "hi" and answer his "how are you?" with "i'm very good!" the staff rushed me so when i left i said "thank you so much, it was so nice to meet you!" and he said "thank you love, cheers!" CHEERS. HOW BRITISH CAN YOU GET? i had a ton of silly/slightly creepy stuff that i wanted to say to him but didn't get the chance to since i was being shoo'd away by the damn staff...no, but it really was fantastic, aside from a terrible wait in scorching heat and random rain showers. i look pretty decent in my picture, all things considered, although i paid $25 for an OUT OF FOCUS picture! i am extremely upset about that. i pretty much abused the sharpen tool in photoshop, which is evident if you click for the big size of the photo, which i recommend not doing...hahaha. it still feels very surreal to not only have met him, but to have ~touched~ him and given him a little hug when it was my turn to meet him. I SECONDHAND HUGGED VOLDEMORT. not too many people can say that, i bet. hahaha. anyway, here's the picture! goodnight now, for real! :)