it's my heart you're dealing with.

(copied & pasted straight from my deviantart journal. it seemed more appropriate for here than there since i never post serious stuff there, but i put it up anyway, haha).

welp, things are really starting to tie up around here. graduation in two weeks, prom, senior picnic and brunch...the end is so tangible now and it's just really, really weird. i know that when most people graduate high school they're either anxious to get out or super emotional and teary-eyed and cry at graduation and stuff. i'm neither and both at the same time. i'd be fine if i had another year of high school because it'd just be super weird for it to end, and so i don't want it to. i hate change. but i'm also anxious to start living my own life...which probably won't happen for another year or two, since i'm going to be going to community college and keep on living at home. not too happy about that...but the plus side i see from this is maybe i can get into a better college by spending a year or two at community college. and at least it's cheaper. honestly, i don't want much out of college, just some really good friends and a study abroad program. i don't know if i've made it too obvious here on deviantart, but i've had hardcore wanderlust for as long as i can remember and i'm so anxious to go out and explore the world.

which is something i have done absolutely none of. with my family's modest income, we haven't had money to go on vacation since i was in 7th grade, and never before that. my dad's always had trouble with the company he works for being bought out and his department/entire current company getting laid off. i can't even remember how many times that has happened. if it hadn't happened when i was a little kid, i would be living in memphis right now. so, with that being the main issue, i've only been as far south as key west, as far west as iowa, and as far east as west virginia. i've been to minnesota to the north but i've never even left the country. being cooped up in one area for so long gets tiring and i have a kind of cabin-fever to go out and see the world. it's the only thing i really want to do before i die. so...a study abroad program would be a great start. loyola university chicago, the only school i applied to this year (aside from community college) has a great study abroad program in rome, and i'm more than likely going there after community college, so hopefully i will be able to participate in that. that's all i'm really looking for out of college, honestly. i just want to get my traveling in before the real rapture comes or anything...

it feels good to talk about that stuff, to sit down and sort out my thoughts. whenever people ask me about college/post-community college plans it's something they want a quick answer to, and if i start to explain why i want to travel they seem like they don't want to hear any of it. i haven't really talked to anyone about it, not even my parents. they don't get the whole i-want-to-see-the-world-thing more than anyone else does. it's kind of annoying, because the only other people i know who'd like to travel are ones who have already got a good number of stamps on their passport. i don't even own a passport...

i just want to see all the beauty there is in the world before either it's destroyed or i'm destroyed. whichever comes first. and who knows when that will be, so the sooner the better. and no one seems to get that. i don't know how else to explain it.

i cannot stop listening to this song. i am in love with it. i wish it was more relevant to my life (and i also don't) but it's just so beautiful. haven't been so in love with a song in a long, long time.

PROM WOES

welp, it's been a little while since i last updated. sorry about that. i've actually been hanging out with people instead of being a hermit recently, so that's nice :) last weekend was my friend stephanie's pixar-themed birthday party, which was loads of fun. we watched meet the robinsons and how to train your dragon and man, i forgot how great those movies are. i watched HTTYD with my parents again today because it was on tv.

um, doctor who was SO GREAT this week. i already sort of shipped the doctor with the tardis but COME ON IT'S CANON NOW. FOR REAL. and the actress who played idris/sexy/the tardis reminded me so much of helena bonham carter, so i, of course, really liked her. I WANT HER TO COME BACK. WRITE THAT INTO A FUTURE SCRIPT, MOFFAT. or just bring gaiman back for more episodes and let him do it~

speaking of neil gaiman, i just started his book neverwhere. i recently finished city of bones, the first in the mortal instruments series, and FUCK I JUST REMEMBERED I NEED TO DO A PROJECT BY WEDNESDAY AAAAAAAHHHHHH anywho i really liked it. i need to go get the second book so i can continue the series!

and speaking of things i am doing, i'm starting fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood. now, let me tell you a little secret. in middle school, i was a HUGE anime/manga nerd. it was pretty much the only thing i liked and i even knew a handful of japanese phrases because of it. now all i can remember is "haru wa soko ni kiteita" which means something along the lines of "spring has arrived" (lol dnangel ending theme...) ANYWHO. one of, if not my ultimate, favorite series that i ever watched was fullmetal alchemist. i never got into the manga but the series was something else entirely. i was so in love with that series. just thinking about al and ed's brotherhood makes me want to freaking cry. IT'S SO GOOD AND INTENSE AND DEEP. i swear it's like nothing you've ever seen before. so, that means you should watch it. do it for me? :'( welp, i know that a couple years ago they did a new series called FMA: brotherhood which follows the manga exactly, something i know the original anime failed to do. so i'm going to start watching it and i'm soooo freaking excited because well...

THAT'S AL. ISN'T HE GORGEOUS? AWWWWW. I LOVE AL. HE'S BY FAR MY FAVORITE CHARACTER. HE'S SO SWEET AND HE LIKES CATS AND IS NICE TO EVERYONE. WAHHHHHH AND LOOK AT HIM HE'S ALL OLD AND BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVE HIM SO MUUUUUCH. /fangirling. so yeah, i'm pumped to see my lovely elrics again :')

and now for the prom woes. yeah, i got some troubles. so, originally i didn't really want to go to prom because it's a dance and i don't enjoy dancing, and it's expensive and i am cheap as hell, and i am extremely picky with dresses and i didn't want to go through the trouble of finding one. BUT i accidentally stumbled upon this gorgeous vintage 50's dress with a brown-tan-cream hawaiian print and full skirt and halter top and oh my god it is so gorgeous and i want it so bad and i love dressing up so that's the start of my dilemma. i really want to dress up and wear that damn dress. the second part is that last night was a neighboring school's prom and i'm facebook stalking all the photos and my god everyone looks so happy and fancy and it seems like such a good time. so the obvious solution is to just get the dress and go to prom, right? no, not so easy. everyone in my would-be prom group has dates. everyone. normally i wouldn't mind being one of the few people going stag, because i could have a good time with those other girls, right? well, not this time. because i'd be the only one. and i don't want to be lonely; i'm lonely enough as is with all my friends being in relationships right now and me third wheel'ing it up. i just don't want to pay a ton of money for this dress and take the time to look good and pay another load of money to sit around and feel bad for myself.

i would normally just ask a guy friend to go with me as friends because, believe it or not, at one point in my life i had a TON of guy friends. not so much anymore...most of us have grown apart and the remaining few are gay, taken, or still not close enough to me that it wouldn't be weird to go as pals. and none of those guy friends have any buddies who could help out. so i'm really in a rut right now. i don't know what to do and i would recruit some other single ladies into the group so i wouldn't be alone but our group is big enough as is. i think there's like 11 couples in it already and i don't want to add more trouble to it.

so yup, those are my prom woes. i will probably be complaining about them on twitter until either i a) figure something out or b) prom is over and i haven't gone and am sitting around complaining about how i know i will regret this for the rest of my life but there was just nothing i could do and blah blah blah. wah wah wah. CALLING ALL HIGH SCHOOL BOYS IN THE CHICAGOLAND AREA WHO ARE SINGLE. GO TO PROM WITH MEEEEEE.

okay i'm done being whiny and sad and lonely. at least on here.

bah humbug.